I followed the jaguar across a wet field at night. The purple orb followed me in turn. When we got to my house, I knocked on the door; but a recluse was sleeping in the doorway with the key in his hand. He wore a king’s crown made of paper. Some monster began to stir in the darkness around us and I hoped that Jaguar would find it. I could not wake up the man. But he said in his sleep: When your grandmother dies, she knows that in this moment is when you will learn that it will be you also sleeping in the doorframe not knowing you are about to open the same mystery which in her dying is the number 11 after 81 years. He said: the purple orb is the body we cannot see truly before us, the very color of the knowledge of the manner in which the Word is not separate from its absence. Tu vois ce que je veux dire? The clock on the train station said 03:00.
I had a bad dream. The teacher cried in class again today. I got blisters on the hot monkey bars and that boy scratched my face again. I squeezed his face really hard but he just kept laughing. So I pulled up on his head harder and harder until he stopped laughing because it came off. Teacher was very upset about this and would not let me play with the puzzle. I played mailman the rest of the day, leaving messages for mother and father. Maybe one day I will receive a letter in return. Later46 mother rubbed my cheek with ointment while I cried. I still couldn’t remember the bad dream.
There were many paths through the forest but I took the one marked 9(37) or 3(111). I was being hunted; their presence had the sound of flies. I cried out in despair: have I failed? There was no moon. (First one candle must go out before a new one can be lit.) But the path led to a square that glowed and wavered in the midst of a dark circle. The hunters shrieked and wailed. Then the 3(3) became 3(3)(3)…an instant of unspeakable terror... And the moon came out again.
Mother took me to the swimming pool. There were bees on the wet pavement. She said: Come say goodbye to the little girl. There was a little girl in the water. But I couldn’t move. I looked on the wall and there was the number 156. Mother was sitting at a picnic table with her mother. But I’d never seen her face before. In the sky was a point that became a circle that drew seven other points around it, seven signs that glowed there in seven colors, so that it became a circle. I had to focus really hard so that it did not go away. Then the ⃝ became △ and then □. And we were inside of it. (This world is a cave in the midst of brighter worlds.)
I went to the lounge at midnight and it was empty except for the sound of flies. Then I realized that the club is the cube that appeared in the trees. I tried to run and scream47 out but a voice said: I know what happened. She was referring to the wound and it came true — someone rushed in and stabbed me in the side. Now there was one man dancing and six people looking at themselves in a mirror. A bartender slithered among them. Musicians began to play. The voice compelled them to play. The vibrations were in the form of numbers. I was nearly paralyzed — did I know or did I not know that there was something sitting on my chest? Was I stuck on the threshold of my house? Helplessly, I found myself born over and over again, a kind of pleasure I could not contain, 1800 times over and over. From silence to speech to silence: the beginning like the end like the beginning, 0 to 1 to 0, 9 to 9 to 9. I looked into the mirror and saw only myself gazing at myself who am myself seven mirrors: what is called pleasure and delight is but the wound. It is the moon who speaks in such a way: 56 72 111 418 78 13 8. The key was in something she said. But, terrified, I could no longer distinguish between myself and an octopus. It is Babalon who sometimes appears then disappears reappearing elsewhere. I thought it was the other people in the room but it was her. I ate the goat’s meat in rage and horror the 5 and 6 forced together at midnight. I could not have known. I made it happen over and over 1800 times and another 1800 and 1800 and 1800 and 1800 and 1800 and 1800 and 1800 and 1800 and 1800 and 1800 and 1800
The mailbox flag was up. I got a letter from my father and grandmother came over to read it to me. I thought that she was already dead and that she did not use my tongue. But she read this to me plainly in our language: You must wake up, you must wake up now, it is time to wake up right now. A psychic was also there just then, trying to distract me. The psychic said: I have a secret eyeball, I can show you how to collect hidden shards of glass. But the psychic’s daughter whispered to me: You should go now. So I reached down to pick up my shoes. I was still sleeping: my heart in a deep dark spacious place alone.
I went back to the open field and the purple light enveloped me. The jaguar stepped into the body of the sleeping recluse and I was him: the key in my hand. I went to the top of the hill which is called Sin because men go there to die. (It is said that beyond it is an even higher hill with three peaks like a crown. A face looks down constantly from there but no one has seen it through the smoke of slowly burning bodies. They say it is a face full of pity.) At the top of the hill in the darkness I was all at once washed in pure luminous silver towards which the ancient trees the admonishing owl the fertile earth itself were all reaching. Not with the body of dust did I reach but with the body of tears… becoming still and silent in the silver… wishing in my fatigue and dizziness and sorrow to know and to know… At the bottom of the hill there appeared a girl woven out of the light in a white dress dancing. I went down to her and took her hand. There was no music but she danced like a wave on the shore, never crashing, beautiful. I said: What is your name? She turned to look at me and I saw her eyes were pearls in the head. Her lips moved and smiled without a sound. I could not move. All through the night I strove yet I loved her… before morning could come I failed and was spilled out onto the barren rocks.
I did not go down to the girl in the white dress. Of the light above was woven a shining being in whose passage from heaven to earth a note was sustained that made the waters thrill just as a lake is stirred from within by a hidden glowing heat. As she fluttered nearer the delight almost too much the words of her hymn could be sensed… reading from a white book in her hands: True Love. The rushing of winds became more and more painful — In the forest there was a blackberry ripening. A knock was to be heard just then; and a voice that said: Here and there I am alone. A man disappeared into the trees among the very deer that coursed through those emptinesses.
One night ye shall have upon thee a sonorous ringing like as a bell that fades not but increases, said the priest at the funeral. Be sure ye fail not to heed it and follow it wheresoever it leads. I asked: How shall I know when it is near? He said: I am not permitted to say such a thing. Only pay attention! —Is there not another clue you could give me? The priest was stock still with fright. The family gathered around the casket and mourned with many tears, longing to know. ...I saw the candle blaze a moment. From the rafters came a slow chant for the dead:
Of an empty dark an ocean of gold was made
A sapphire set in the radiant mist
When the little girl was nine years old
The precious gem was given her
She said it belongs not to me but my God
It burst in a bluish flame
And shimmered in the golden waves
Till at last returned into the clear depths
The voice flew away as the candle was extinguished, his sable robes quivering with grief…
In the forest I said: I have been here before. It was just like this. I can almost remember…I waited at the top of the waterfall. (Up in the rafters.) I waited and waited alone. The water began to flow gently in both directions for it was falling and rising as well. Here and there…I am manifold. Don’t you understand? There is a door you were looking for. If it opens, the water will come rushing in. The wind will go rushing out. The water and the wind lead into the sky. There is a storm the eye of which is a pathway that leads to its origin. (It originated from above, not from below; but we enter the storm from the outside.)
I followed the jaguar back to the open field and the purple light enveloped me. I saw myself on the threshold of the door, key in my hand. A bell was softly struck that did not fade. (I am still in the basilica. I am still in the forest. Shhh.)
This place is a profound darkness
[RUNNING FORTH]
I will divulge a secret unto you:
[SYLƷE RIMIDJU DRAUΘIM]
What is to be built in me
Keep watch with us
Where have you gone
[IN A DARK ROOM A LAMP SURGES TWICE]
WHO AM I
This is from our Lord: I WILL BE WITH YOU
How can I make the electric spark recur
Pay closer attention
…A theater like a 12-sided pendant hanging in space: a stage with 9000 spectators: a train station: a single public telephone.
I am afraid it could happen
Even here
[ENTER GIRL IN RED.]
In this place how embarrassing
Is it already
How did I get here
Get me out
Please speak to me
They’re watching aren’t they
Won’t you give me a clue
[NIGHTTIME ALL THROUGHOUT CITY.]
How did you know
Never mind
Forget it
A trap laid for us becomes a blessing
They won’t ever get me like hell they will
They can rot along with you and me
I swear I’ll steal back what was taken from me
[TERRIBLE NOISE OF TRAINS.]
You did this to me didn’t you
You did this to me I’ll kill you
You don’t think I would
No one is around
You’re mine don’t say a word
Do you think you deserve more
I don’t want to stop yet
Just a little more then I’ll quit
At the end will come the flash of lightning
If I go on like this the fire will die
It just keeps going on and on I cannot stop it
There is no way out. What the hell is going on
Oh no no no no no
Shut up shut up shut up
This is not my body
[DIAL TONE. SMOKE.]
---†---†---†---
I confess in the night it was too much for me...
[ENTER BOY IN BLUE.]
I failed again I failed
Exactly as I was told
I was looking for you I swear
But it was more than I could steal
There is nothing for me here
I don’t deserve anything at all at this point
Where did I make my mistake
Can I tell you something
Is it something bad
[NIGHTTIME. CLOCK READS 3:00.]
It was me all along
I just couldn’t help it
Impossible to save any of this
Except what is washed in the blood of the lamb
I’ve forgotten
What is it that I lost
Have I forgotten
I cannot turn back now can I...
Continue what was started a long time ago
Don’t you dare talk to me
Listen to the proclamation
My humiliation is my exaltation
[BIRDS BEGIN TO CHIRP.]
It looks like I am the one who is supposed to die...
There is no choice I’ve got to try
So goodbye goodbye goodbye
At the end will come the clap of thunder
If I go on like this there will be no I
WHAT IS HIDDEN WILL BE SHOWN
Have mercy on me...
Come
Let the judgment be known
The end was there in the beginning
[DIAL TONE. SMOKE REMAINS.]
---Do you remember anything?---
There were 132 steps leading from the center of the stage. I climbed up to the top and looked more closely: the angels were staring back at me. Then I was taken in under the 48 laws and ended up where I began.
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I
AM
NOT
HERE
ALONG
THEWAY
NOWORLD
IWONTSAY
LOOKAGAIN
AREYOUSURE
BETTERALONE
ITWILLBEDONE
DONOTBEAFRAID
MYHEADISACHING
NOONEISSPEAKING
YOUCANNOTQUITNOW
ALREADYISFINISHED
DOYOUKNOWHOWTODOIT
TAKEACLOSERLOOKATME
WHOSAIDTHATITWASNTME
WHOLOOKATWHATWHATISIT
ISANYONETHERETOHELPYOU
THEREISNOTHINGELSETOSAY
HOWFUNNYTHATIAMDOINGTHIS
WHATDOYOUKNOWSAYSOMETHING
ITISSTILLASYETBEGUNASOFNOW
THISISSAIDTOBEVERYSECRETBUT
ONLYSOFORPEOPLENOTINTERESTED
ITCANNOTBESECRETFORSOMEONEWHO
ISINTERESTEDYOUMUSTLEARNABOUT--
YOUMIGHTHEARTHEMSAYAWFULLYQUIET
…JUSTINCASEJUSTINCASEJUSTINCASE…
WHATTHEBODYISMADEOFFORITISTHEBASE
DONTLOSEFOCUSORTURNYOURBACKJUSTYET
ANDTHEFORCETHATMAKESLIGHTOUTOFSPACE
ICOULDVESWORNTHATJUSTNOWISAWYOURFACE
…GETHOMEQUICKANDPICKUPWHEREYOULEFTOFF
THEREAREONLYTWOMORESTEPSTOGONEARLYDONE
ISTHERESOMETHINGWRONG?AREYOUFORGETTING?
IDONTWANTOBEWITHOUTYOUIDONTEVERWANTTOBE
ALLTHESEMENANDWOMENLOVETHEMINOURSUFFERING
IWOULDNTWANTTOLEAVETHEMALTHOUGHWENEEDTOSEE
WEBREAKEACHOTHERSHEARTSBUTLOVEYOUBYOURFAITH
WEAREHAUNTEDEVERYNIGHTBYTHEPROMISEOFTHEGRAVE
DIDIALREADYKNOWTHATTHISWASHOWITWASGOINGTOEND?
IFYOUARENOTHEREWHERECOULDYOUBEIAMSTILLLOOKING…
ISITTRUETHATTHISCOMESFROMANDISPARTOFTHATONEWORD
SOMETIMESICANFEELYOUSOCLOSETOMEICOULDSHOUTFORJOY
There was a circle on the ground with 24 living creatures divided into 12 parts. A pair of tigers separated from each other between two days pacing back and forth. Two at a time they are saved male and female: the game of memory. Do not unmarry I said I will not let you. A shadowman stepped over the circle and the sand swept back into river.
But I had to move on. Already something else was happening. I slid off the rock into
the water
Her second voice entered in a part of the first. The third in a part of the second (according to a ratio). And simultaneously they ended where they began so as to inscribe a circle (one within another). You are a rose I said… and caught her fragrant teardrops in a vial (and marked it: Presence).
DURING LAST UNCTION EACH DROP MADE A SINGLE TONE OF THE WHOLE SONG. THE VIBRATIONS WERE IN THE FORM OF NUMBERS. THE REVEALED COMBINED WITH THE UNDISCLOSED IN THE FIRE OF ONE INSTANT OF COUNTLESS INSTANTS OF ONE: ONE UPON ANOTHER WITHIN ONE OTHER: OVER AND OVER AND OVER.